他人的疾病
她的病复发了。这是夏天以来最糟糕的消息。
她是一个温暖的小女人,喜欢背着包四处游历,热爱生命,渴望爱情。几年前,我被网恋折磨得灰头土脸的时候,在新浪认识了她。那时,她通过我的一个兄弟拿到了刚出版的《脆弱》,对我有几分好奇。她告诉我,每当她读完几页我的小说,从文字中醒来的时候,就仿佛获得了新的眼光,可以去理解自己的生活。我对这样的反映很是吃惊,虽然我是用了心去写作,但并不了解自己的文字对于他人意味着什么。她给了我很多鼓励和安慰,从此我们成了遥远而知心的朋友。
两年前,她忽然就得了乳腺癌。听到这个消息的时候,我内心的震惊无法用语言来形容。那么美好的一个人,对生命怀有那样的热爱与感恩,为什么竟要遭受病痛的残酷折磨呢?这完全超出了我对命运的理解。
那年冬天,我去云南出差,回头顺道去了一趟广州,约了她和诗人龙少在天河城见面。她做完化疗不久,头发还没长出来,戴着一顶毛线织的帽子,表情仍是那样平和与温暖,只是说到病情的时候,眼睛里偶尔会闪现出泪光。那时,心里有一个很强烈的愿望:抱住她,把我生命的全部热力都给她。这念头一闪而过,让我意识到自己的软弱和徒劳。
jan 11, 2014 – fluoxetine online order — buy fluoxetine 100mg online :: canadian pharmacy meds without prescirption online – buying prescription medicine 我要她和我们一起去吃烤生蚝,我知道她喜欢美食,但她摇头拒绝了,她什么也不能吃。那天夜里我和朋友们喝了很多酒,在陌生的城市里体会着生命的欢欣与晕眩,而她早早地回了家,独自与该死的病魔搏斗。
propecia libido acquire propecia 她是赢过的。有一段时间病情很稳定,她还能去很远的地方游荡,路过北京的时候,还叫了我们几个人陪她一起吃饭。先是在三联韬奋书店对面吃私家菜,吃到半道觉得不过瘾,又到不远处的桂林米粉店再吃一回。隐约中,又能看到她性格里的乐观、热情与幽默,但我知道,在回归自我的路途上,她经历了生命中最为险恶的时刻,承受了难以想象的孤独与痛楚。
她和一路陪伴她的男友结了婚,又搬了新家,还通过自学考上了心理咨询师。和我说好,等到她羽翼丰满的时候,就要拿我这个典型的精神病人开刀,深入分析我对待女人和爱情的种种古怪心理。我也满心希望着,哪一天她成了泰然镇定的心理医生,可以像上帝一样倾听我,而不会被我吓倒。
可是命运并没有罢手,她的病复发了,而且遇到了最糟糕的情况:多发性肝转移。她又被抛到了最凶险的波浪之上,那波浪不是带着她眺望世界的壮丽,而是想把她打翻在地。她告诉一个朋友,她要考虑后事了。她每天都在犹豫,要不要再做化疗。
gynecologic cheap estrace tablet where to order estrace cancer in the uk’s buy estrace vaginal cream online the ubiquitin chains and their level of less than 而当这一切发生的时候,我只能在远处徒劳地张望,像废纸片一样丝毫没有用场。她是我的亲人、我的姐妹,是世界馈赠给我的一朵微笑,我却只能让她独自受苦,这种超然的处境让我体会到人生另一种滋味。你以为自己爱着世界,爱着那些温暖而美好的人们,你以为自己的存在是有意义的,你甚至以为自己的文字能带给他人清风与花朵,但实际上,当你最亲爱的朋友身陷疾病包围的时候,你不能替她分担任何痛苦。她打针的时候,你的皮肤完好无损而且在微笑。她呕吐的时候,你在远方懵然不觉,享受着岁月的盛宴。她承受不住内心的哀伤而哭泣的时候,你仍在掂量某个楼盘的价格,在排队换发新护照。她焦虑到行将崩溃时,你正在白日里沉睡。无论你心里多么痛惜她,她仍然是孤独的,她在白天孤独,在夜里孤独,在病床上孤独,在喧闹的街道上孤独。她独自一人承担着生存与死亡,承担着狰狞的命运……这才是疾病的真相。疾病把她和爱她的人隔离开来,疾病让我们暴露出旁观者的冷漠,映衬出我们那点所谓同情与关怀的微不足道。
我多想把我认识的所有人的手都拉起来,围成一个巨大的圆圈,环绕在她的身边。冬天要来了,我不想让她感到寒冷。
zyban online apotheke buy zyban online 陌生人啊,帮帮我,和我一道为她祝福吧!
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泪。点燃一支温暖的烛火为她照亮。
祈福吧!用手围成圈用心燃起火
祝福好人一生平安!
和我一道为她祝福吧!我也很想理解你/能送给我一本你的诗集吗?
祝福!阅过山远水长的温暖的女人!祝福!那么蓝的诗人,是不是有一样寂寞的心,有时候,只好自己取暖!
为她祝福!
读完你写的关于她的最后一段...除了祝福....这个世间有许多我们无法控制的事情她必定是个不一般的女子
真的很佩服她.希望奇迹可以发生.我的一个堂姐得过肝癌,后来切掉2/3,当时都说她只能活一年.可20年过去,她还活着.还生了三个孩子.她现在每次回香港都要去看那时候给她判死刑的医生,说:你看,我还活着.如果橡子可能,请转告她我堂姐的故事.
你是个讨女人喜欢的男人。所以你的烦恼很多。围绕在你身边的女人,难怪也那么烦恼。
支持你.可惜命运总是这样无情,希望她能挺过去.
我的父亲是个酒鬼作者:橡子在我考上大学之前,我的父亲是柳畈村一带最有学问的人。他初中毕业,却当了高中老师,这一直被作为他有学问的有力证据。我的父亲年轻时有很多梦想,其根源来自我那做了一辈子裁缝的爷爷。按照我父亲为我爷爷写的碑文,我爷爷壮年时行走江湖,足迹遍布六个省。传说某一天,我爷爷在九江街头找活儿的时候,一个汉子一直跟在我爷爷身后,让他 老人家又害怕又好奇。他壮着胆子转过身来,正要问话,却听到那汉子捶胸顿足,不住声地叹息。我爷爷心里的好奇无法抑止,便翻来覆去地问怎么回事,那汉子只是不说,口里仍然连连长叹,这让我的爷爷非常痛苦。很少有人这时能够不痛苦的。其后的故事分裂成好几个版本,最可靠的版本是,我的爷爷从他的棉布长袍里掏出了几个钱,又赔上许多好话,那汉子才期期艾艾地说,他本是一个相士,在街头看到我爷爷的背影之后,十分震惊,因为他几乎从未见过如此伟大的背影,他几乎认定我的爷爷非将即相,所以就一直跟在后面,可是,在看到我爷爷的面相之后,又不禁痛心疾首,因为我爷爷的下巴略略小了一些,就这一点缺陷,让我爷爷由一个安邦定国之士一变而成为一个裁缝。我爷爷听罢也是苦恼不堪,繁华的九江街头一时变得有些暗淡。他从没想到自己竟然差一点就可能晋身庙堂。痛苦过后,他又为自己的那几个铜钱懊悔,因为铜钱毕竟比吓人的功名来得实在。当然,这几个铜钱没有白花,他从此坚信他的后代里必定会出贵人。就这样,我的父亲走上了求学之路,这在我们那个偏僻、闭塞的山村是一件骇人听闻的事。 我猜想我的父亲肯定继承了我爷爷的那个梦,那梦由一个深谙人性弱点的相士制造出来,继而成为一个神话,它激励着我的父亲,是我父亲取之不竭的精神源泉。我听过很多关于我父亲尝尽艰辛、矢志求学的故事。我读初中时,每个星期靠两罐头瓶的咸菜和一些米饭为生,当我稍有怨言时,我的祖母和我的母亲便会讲述我父亲的故事:他要步行八十里路才能到学校,一年四季都穿着同一双鞋,冬天的时候找一根绳子系着薄薄的绒衣来保暖,一个月的伙食经常到月中就断了,全靠一个心地善良、家境也不错的同学接济。听到这些革命家史,我不得不收起自己的小小抱怨,咬紧牙关,与饥饿、寒冷和神经衰弱作战。那神话的火焰甚至温暖到了我,这也许是那个靠善意的谎言谋生的相士不曾想到的。
一边是贫穷、闭塞和愚昧的乡村环境,一边是知识、骄傲和不着边际的野心,这个巨大的落差注定要挤压我的父亲,让他为自己的文化付出代价。作为当时屈指可数的几个初中生,他被组织安排到县文化馆工作,这是一个相当不错的差事。我不太清楚他当时的主要业务是什么,我猜多半是写写鼓书、顺口溜和快板词,供劳动人民在火热的工地上咏唱。很可惜,他的运气像儿童手里的沙,漏得很快。也许是多年积累的饥饿发动了总攻,他不小心吃掉了一些不属于自己的钱,为了这个,他被清退了。他满含羞愧回到了老家,用桑木扁担折磨自己白嫩的肩膀,他忍受刻薄嫂子的冷言冷语,并且娶了一个脾气不太好、身体也不太好而且没有多少文化的姑娘为妻。从那时开始,他从事过南方农村几乎所有的职业,其中包括轧米、看守山林、替人算命、看风水等,那些职业是那样芜杂,以致我现在也没法把它们一一列举出来,我比较了解的是,他后来成为一名教师,培养出了本地第一批有文化的年轻人,他的学生后来无一例外地成为四乡八里的领头羊。 那时我不太理解梦想是怎么一回事,当然更不懂幻灭是什么滋味,我只知道我的父亲脾气暴躁,从来不苟言笑,所有的熟人都说他有煞气。小时候,我从他那里获得的最高抚爱是坐在他的腿上,他的腿轻轻颠动,让我感到快乐。我们家四个孩子里,我是唯一没有挨过他打的,我不清楚自己为什么受到这种优待。我记得,他曾经手持长长的晾衣竹竿,追得我那淘气的弟弟满山乱窜,最后,我弟弟钻到了我爷爷的床底下,至于他是否躲过了一顿暴打,我已经记不清了。我父亲在我上初中时骂过我,原因是我为了抵御冬天的严寒,烧了太多的木炭。更小的时候,因为我不愿意戴他的那顶过大的旧帽子,他曾大吼着,狂怒地把帽子掷到地上。此后,我就一直戴着那顶大而不当的帽子。这么多年过去了,如果我能找到那顶帽子,我愿意仍然戴着它。我现在能够理解他的愤怒,如果他有能力为我买一顶新帽子,他肯定会亲手给我戴上,可是,那时我们一家连吃饱都是一个问题。我现在懂得了一个男人不能给自己的亲人提供幸福生活时的极度痛苦。那痛苦以几何方式分裂时,迸射出来的只能是愤怒。
我受到特别宠爱也许并非没有道理,只是我自己不清楚。前几年,我出差路过老家时,我奶奶对蹲在她膝下的我说:你很小的时候,你爷爷就说过,这个孙子将来肯定有出息!也许,就是这种普遍的心理预期保护了我。我奶奶还说,每当我脾气粗暴的母亲打我的时候,我爷爷总在里屋叹气,心痛地叹气。写到这里的时候,我的眼前浮现出我爷爷身穿绛色旧长袍的形象,他似乎从未离去。爷爷去世数年后,我给我爷爷写过一首诗,诗很幼稚,具体内容我也记不请了,但那种对死亡无奈的接纳还是清晰的。我爷爷过世到下葬的那几天,我经常哭得浑身抽搐。每年回老家,我都要到爷爷的坟前磕头。他的坟面朝南方,面朝我一直渴望翻越的青山。我命中注定要翻越那山,我命中注定要带着根到世界里旅行,那根给我安慰,也每每令我痛楚。 我父亲的梦想破灭得既缓慢又坚决,而我可能是他唯一的安慰。尽管说不上出人头地,但我飞得足够远,我飞翔的姿势看上去有点像是凤凰——这话多少有些可笑,但实际上,当我经历挫折考上一所著名的大学时,整个县都轰动了。这个县分为平畈和丘陵两个部分,丘陵地区比较闭塞和贫穷,在我之前,还从未有人考上过那所大学。我父亲的虚荣心得到极大的满足。那时,他几乎相信,我从此就要和中南海里的人们称兄道弟了。在经历一场浩大的风波后,我最终被分配到一家工厂,这让我父亲简直不能接受。
我父亲酒量很大,年轻时,他曾一顿饭喝下两斤红薯干酒。和我爷爷一样,他还喜欢大块吃肉。他的严峻、他的酒量还有他的学问,让他在本地颇有声望,但这似乎并不能让他满足。他曾试着当个作家,我初中时还读过他的小说,理所当然,他没当上,他只发表过几篇小小的豆腐块。他是本地第一个订阅文学杂志的人,那些杂志给了我最初的文学营养,甚至让我过早地了解了爱情。他后来把他的全部文学书籍装进一个子弹箱里,他不在的时候,我偷偷打开来看,我很快就把那些书读得一干二净。记不清是什么时候,他曾在微醺之后对我说:我死之后,你不用写祭文,你只要把你的书烧在我的坟头就行了。几乎就从那时起,我立志要当一个作家,这个愿望在作家已经不值钱的时候也没有消退。 七十年代,我父亲从学校调到公社,当了一名小干事,算是当官了。他好像是第一个本地出生的干部。那时我爷爷还健在,他老人家也很高兴,他的儿子终于不再是个白丁——他把没有功名的人称作白丁。可是,也许是我父亲的面相也有什么缺陷,他的仕途很不顺利,几任公社书记都没有重用他,再加上他又读过大量辛弃疾的词,那种郁郁不得志的感觉终日萦回在他心间。却将万字平戎策,换得东家种树书,此情何计能消除?于是他借酒浇愁,醉后必定痛骂一干官员,让公社大院不得安宁。
我有印象的第一次父亲醉酒大约发生在我的初中时期。有人给我捎信,说他在医院里,要见我。又说他差点从三楼病房的窗户跳下去。我惴惴不安地赶到医院时,他已经略为平静了,正躺在病床上呻吟,我母亲坐在床边,既愤怒又惶然,她不理解为什么好好一个人要喝成这样,难道就不为自己的妻子儿女想想?她向我诉说了她的愤怒。我坐到床边,我的父亲没怎么看我,但是知道我来了。我哭起来,我好象没见过我父亲这个样子,平时他从来都是强悍、冷峻和不动声色的。他本能地抓住我的手,口齿不清地劝慰我:别哭,别哭,我又没死哭什么!我就哭得更厉害了,因为他提到了我最为恐惧的死亡。不知为什么,他的眼泪也流了下来。那是我所见过的最浑浊的眼泪,它从我父亲的眼角缓缓流下来,漫过他深深的皱纹,流到耳朵边。我伸出手,擦掉了那眼泪。在那之前,我只见过我父亲哭过一次,那是在我爷爷过世的时候。我爷爷病危时,公社派我父亲到县城开会,我父亲犹豫不决。他向我爷爷请示,我的爷爷说:忠孝不能两全,你去开会吧。就在我父亲开会的时候,我爷爷落了气。我父亲接到电话通知后,骑自行车疯狂地往家赶,半道上,县里又派了一辆吉普送他,就算如此,他也没能赶上为我爷爷送终——在我们那里,这是人生的巨大遗憾之一。我父亲站在爷爷床边,握着我爷爷的手,哀哀哭泣。那是一个忘记了怎么哭泣的人的哭泣,是一种间断的、又无法抑制的哭泣。我在一边呆住了!我简直不能相信我的父亲居然会哭!他涕泗交流的样子让我极为震骇,那震骇甚至压过了对死亡的恐惧。 那时我不可能理解我的父亲为什么在酒后落泪,我只知道那很严重。它沉甸甸地压在我的心头,让我无法呼吸。我依稀记得,他当时还跟我说过一句话:你以后一定要当大官。我不知道我的记忆是否准确,但从我家祖传的梦想来看,这话多半是有的。从现在的情况看,这话落空已经指日可待。
后来,从我上高中到上大学,我的父亲也有过几次升迁,甚至做到了乡长和书记,他仍然经常喝醉,喝醉好象已经成了一种习惯,一种必须。因为我寄宿,他大多数醉酒我都没有见到,只是听到我母亲和我弟弟的转述。有一次,他醉到半死,却不肯住在医院,非得回家不行,母亲只好叫本村的一个小伙子用板车拉他回家。拉到半路上,他又差点从板车上滚到了河湾里。还有一次,他酒后狂怒,竟然挥手打断了我家新房的门闩,那可是一根很粗的门闩。我从学校回家时,发现门闩换了,追问之下,我的母亲才讲了这件事。那时,我在家里已经有了比较高的地位,但凡出了什么事,家里人都要向我报告,求得解决。这件事家里人瞒我,是因为我父亲发了话,任何人也不许把这事说给我,他怕影响我的学习。 还有一次,我堂兄请客,让我父亲作陪,大家齐心协力,把我父亲灌醉了。那时,他在四乡八里已经很有声望,能请到他喝酒算是一件很有面子的事。那次,刚好赶上我从北京回家,我到堂兄家劝他不要再喝,跟我回家去,他居然不听。他伸手推我,要我离开,可他自己却踉踉跄跄地倒在地上。当时,我既心疼又愤怒,就好象看到一座山倒在眼前似的。我把我的堂兄臭骂了一顿。
据说酒鬼分为文的和武的两种。文的喝醉后只是睡觉,武的喝醉后是要胡闹的。我的父亲大概属于武的那种,他喝醉之后很少有安安静静、不吵不闹的。由于他每喝必醉,喝酒的机会又特别多,于是我的母亲就遭了殃。中年之后,我的母亲变得性情慈蔼、柔和,很少有什么怨言,父亲喝醉之后,她只是好言好语地劝慰,从不出恶声,只是在我回家、我们一家子围坐在饭桌边的时候,她才会道出一些些责怨,而那时我的父亲因为见到了他最钟爱的儿子,便也听任数落,从不生气。那可能是我们家气氛最好的时辰,无论说到什么,都不会有人动怒。当然,他有时也温和地告诉母亲:人快要喝醉的时候不能规劝,越劝越容易上火起劲,喝得就会更厉害。他还透露了一个秘密:喝到一定程度之后,多烈的酒到了嘴里也跟糖水似的,是甜的,根本就不知道是喝酒。虽然我父亲脾气暴烈,但有一样好,就是无论醉得多厉害,也从没有动手打过我的母亲,而且还比较听我母亲的话,所以,如果他醉在很远的地方,又没有人能收拾得了他,请他喝酒的人就不得不把我母亲从村子里接过去。我母亲会好言好语地劝慰他,直到他同意放下酒杯,并和母亲一起回家为止。我想,他性格里的狂暴一旦发作,他可能就会寻找别的发泄,比如打断那根枞树门闩之类。 成年之后,我有时会思考我的父亲。我觉得,他最初喝酒到大醉可能有两个原因,一是逞英雄气概,一是借酒浇愁,但是,到了他鬓发苍苍时仍然频频喝醉,可能就是酒瘾作怪了。酒已经成为他生命的燃料,没有酒就没有生机,几天不喝酒就会感到人生无趣。等到我和中南海里的人们称兄道弟的梦想破灭时,我父亲的身体已经不再强壮,干起农活来也一天不如一天,但是他的酒兴却丝毫未减。听说,他一边吃着大把的氟派酸治疗肠炎,一边照旧天天喝酒。从上大学到前两年,我但凡给家里写信或打电话,一个必不可少的内容就是劝父亲少喝酒、少喝酒、一定要少喝酒。父亲总会痛快地应承下来,但酒是照喝不误,酒后则又让所有的人都对我封锁消息,说是怕让我分心,影响我的前程。
后来,我终于明白,任何规劝都是没用的。一种人有一种存活方式,我父亲的方式就是在酒里寻求迷醉。他没有别的迷醉途径,他不写诗,不赏花,不钓鱼,他的功名利禄皆成泡影,他只剩下了酒,酒是他的快乐源泉,是他的根,他通过酒与大地和天空保持着血肉联系。酒之于他,就像写作之于卡夫卡,战斗之于拜伦,艳遇之于唐璜——尽管他们并不处在同一个高度,生命的局促和无依却是大体相同的。 我每次回老家时,总要看看家里发黄的老照片:穿着长袍的爷爷,年轻时意气风发的父亲,少年睥睨万物的我。这时我总是不由自主地想起那个相士,他也许是真的有所发现,也许是善意地撒谎,但他却无意中在我们家族的血液里种下了一朵火苗,那火一直熊熊地烧着,并且似乎不会熄灭。
我已经把果子链在我的博客上了,我会天天去的。橡子,从今天开始我会喜欢你,因为你善良,而且不是装出来的善良。祝你平安!我有一个朋友身患胃癌,已经作了切除手术,她化疗一次病就会严重一次,最后她放弃化疗,现在恢复的很好,能上街买菜了,据说化疗对人体伤害很大,我不是学医的所以我的说法没有依据。
祝福吧,让我们用心去祝福
我没让眼泪掉下来我也很坚强了不是祈祷她坚强的活着祈祷你一切都平安
我是一个结肠癌患者.现以三年了,三年来,手术,化疗,中药,偏方吃了不少,现病情稳定.认识果子的朋友请告诉她,云南古林三家村有一中药,治好了不少星期癌症病,有很外省人和东南亚国家的患者找他治过,2006年11月16日的春城晚报有他的事迹报道,不妨一试.
好感动!生活就是这样,幸福之余有很多遗憾,快乐之余有很多无奈—,让我来紧握你的手!参与到祝福她的队伍中。
哦,很喜欢你的文章,这种风格,这种语言,朴实且真实,无华却感人—工作之余读一读,好像在于一个真实的朋友在交流,感觉很好。
看了你的文章,不由让我想起自己:主人公的命运和我很相似,在香港回归祖国的那年,我得了重病,连续动了两次大手术,那时我梦想着能靠自己的双脚在小区里散步,就已经是很奢华的了,现在,我依然美丽的活着,生活真美好!
终于打开文章。深深的祝福!
肝转移.不化疗就没戏了.中医拿不下的.她还年轻.坚持啊.愿上帝赐健康于她.
该做的事在明天进行自己的我们在未来进行自己的诗人才会到祝福,我同情的人活着多好呀,我的病人。
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老刀,你说的张我认识,而且关系非常亲密,谢谢你提供的这个消息。谢谢!
她的遭遇让我心痛!也像你所说无力付出,只能祝愿她早日康复!
那么那么那么蓝 » Blog Archive » 他人的疾病
blazer pas cher http://www.chateaudelatour-nice.fr/
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Andrew – 16 Rounds + 5 PullupsJulia D. – 9 + 7 Pushups (3/7/10 15 min AMRAP)Chelsea – 20 RXStacy – 15 + 5 Pushups RXBrad – 10 + 8 Pistols RX (Mary)Nicole – 10 (Blue Band, Knee Pushups)Karin – 10 (Ring Rows, Knee Pushups)Some excellent technique held right through to the end. Good work guys!
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Oh génial pour TF1… Je ne pense pas être là, mais je vais essayer de regarder quand même…Pour les sourcils je suis tout à fait d’accord avec toi, des sourcils nets… c’est la base… D’ailleurs lorsque les miens viennent d’être teints, même sans make-up, je ne fais pas peur ….Bon weekend Mathilde, bisou
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